say it!
“Sometimes, people write the things they can’t say”
I have learned to consider myself a senseless woman who knows nothing of wisdom; insensitive, judgmental and irrational. The list can go on and on and I should be awarded ‘best in pessimism’ for this. I’m so good at it I forgot the meaning of its antonym. I just keep on bringing myself down than the otherwise. I’ve always been ignorant of handling self-esteem the ‘right’ way. Optimism has always been my worst enemy.
Recently, I’ve been reading my previous blog entries and I, myself, am surprised of my ability to write such vagueness. I guess my brain works when either it’s under pressure or underwhelmed. Then again, I noticed how quick time flies that it has been a considerably long time since I overflowed my blog with pathetic entries, hence this composition.
I have been ‘pre-ocupied’ ever since the start of this year, oppposed to my last 2 years prior this where boredom seemed to have been my good friend. This year, I underwent struggles that only I could understand. I have been so comfortable with loneliness that this year proved to be different. Going home early seemed to be the hardest thing to do since it equated to another lonely night filled with tears and unwanted emotions. I despised the feeling I once felt comfortable with. I indulged myself with people that fortified friendship; yet again was merely that.
A lot of things happened this year which made all the difference. I won friends in as much as I lost them. For what its worth, I had one of my organs broken apart from the fact that my family could have been also. I lost sight of the One above us and to top it all, I lost control of MY life and let chance over-rule me. I gave in to whatever was knockin on my door – good and bad. I indulged myself in vices.I guess I just wasn’t myself or was it that I avoided being myself? I became somebody I always wished to be but never dared become because I knew it wouldn’t be worth the pain. But I did. No regrets, that I can assure of but somehow it still pains me, to have lost a piece of what I guarded most.
I feel totally different – of myself, of my experiences and of my perspectives. In a span of a little less than a year, I came in contact with two faces of this world – happiness and remorse. I laughed so hard that it never occurred to me that it will all be taken away the day after. I burst into laughter till tears flowed from my eyes and stomach swelled. Extreme emotions of happiness that I will never want to replace despite what I have experienced thereafter - another batch of tears, only this time of grief and despair. I was thankful enough to have had friends to be there to listen to my endless dramatic stupidity.
I force myself to believe of a lie that I feed my brains. I don’t know who the user was, me or them. But no matter how I deny to myself that it was them, I stop and slap myself with the harsh reality that it has always been me who abused the friendship given to me at a time when that was due me. But how is it possible that when the same amount of friendship was asked from me, I always found the perfect excuse to get myself out of it. So maybe, I really was a user. Does that change anything? Does that make me such a bad person already as opposed to what I convey to the bigger public with a smile on my face friendship written all over it?
I have lived myself in a lie. I can’t even get myself to tell the truth even when all circumstances point at me. You know that feeling when all you want to be is yourself yet you cuan’t even identify the real you? It’s the time when you’d rather be someone else? It has been a lie I had to put up with, the conspiracy of being just me. I always wished to be someone I wasn’t and it sucks that at the end of every day, I have to face my sorry ass again.
As Sheryl Crow’s song goes, the first cut is always the deepest. I’m back to being “emo” again. I broke off from being one a few years back and here I am again, an anti-social, bitter, pathetic rebel.
Watch out world, a bitch is out on the loose!
2 comments December 8, 2008
marsrock
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